The CPU Kerfuffle Non-Canon Curiosity Tournament

"Take a look around, Bing...."

"groan why is it always the web browsers.....at the VERY least, I do not plan to make the same mistake as last time....mostly due to my previous experience.....and also that you are a Dog."

"I understand that you consider yourself to be quite 'mad', but with all of the damages you have inflicted upon people, I highly doubt any court of law would accept it as an insanity plea"

Report from the field from Squid Jenny

"Doesn't that seem kinda redundant? Since I'm giving you the repo- whatever. Anyway, I'm more than happy to say that I gave one heck of a fight, but in the end, it was clear that the name 'Ultimate Fighter' wasn't just a title! It was.....oh? Oh, the gummies are in the green room! ...Apologies! You know how our fighters can be sometimes!"

"IT WAS QUITE THE SHAME THAT WE HAD TO ENCOUNTER ONE ANOTHER WITHIN SUCH A BRACKET HOWEVER IT IS WITHOUT A SHADOW OF DOUBT THAT YOU FIGHT FOR THE BEAUTY OF A SOCIAL, ROMANTIC, AND INCREDIBLY PERSONAL JUSTICE!!!!!!!"

"Fascinating! I'm curious...since you apparently seem to excel in chess strategies, how well those algoritms could translate to a purely mathematical perspective...."

"Listen here, call it a lack of experience, since I'm used to harvestin' vegetables, but I suppose you could say that I'm plum tuckered out after this fight! Heh!"

"I HAVE ALL OF HER PREVIOUS RESEARCH LOADED WITHIN MY MEMORY BANKS. HOWEVER BEFORE YOU GO, I AM INCREDIBLY CURIOUS.....WHAT......ARE YOU?"

"Lord you'd better be glad that the Babysitters' Club Representative isn't breathing down my neck to make any of this canon, otherwise with the three stock I just dealt you, you'd be back to your old divorce deal"

"Heh...I gotta say....I've made my whole brand around cheap knockoffs......guess I thought I wouldn't have any issues with a cheap knockoff of Dantoinette"

deep breath...mind if I recommend a new brand? Maybe one that includes both a Kaboom spell and My Foot up your ass????"

"Okay, so first off....you've been telling me a lot about yourself and what you seem to think are your own personal faults. It just really seems like, judging by what you told me, that drifting is almost sort of a coping mechanism of sorts?"

"So wait, let me get this straight, you're from THIS dimension, but a different timeline, but not in a way that works for whatever the hell a Chartreuse is, but that- dude! Just please tell me I don't have to fill out any more paperwork over this one, alright? I've got a tournament to win"

"Hah! That'll show ya! You think you're tough because you're part of some big anti-authority group? Ha! Well, you gotta have a woman with a feline flair such as myse- what??? you have one of those??? Well....I bet the leader of your group doesn't have a huge gun for an arm! So how abou- ARE YOU KIDDING ME????"

"Soooooooooo......<3..........I heard your boyfriend was recently possessed b-"

"No." begins attacking

"There. Now why don't you write yourself a fanfic where the self-insert protagonist leaves us the hell alone."

"I don't know why you're being all sad about it anyway!! You don't have any cooties! So you win!!!!! No cooties, no problem!!!!!!"

"Listen....I give you the highest level of respect......you see....where I come from.....I remember nothing but war. Endless conflict......but nothing.....can compare to the horror that is customer service....."

"BEEP!" [I remember seeing the day that you were created......she did not know the source of warmth that she was creating.....The heated drive that could come from someone who felt so slighted.....someone so happy to win a single set....How could someone so pathetic generate this level of repugnant heat.......an unbearable passion....not for victory....but for sport.....Had I been able to warn her.....but alas.....I was simply too cold to move.....]

"Well! Good to see that you're still packing a punch! Even when you're spreading yourself so thin between farming, fighting AND piracy! Sorry if I was brutal! But if Corn ever brings Johannsen around, keep him away from the potatoes if ya can! We're both tryin' to cut back on carbs!"

"So you were all alone in the tundra for THAT long, huh? .........are you SURE that none of the polar bears wore sunglasses? Like......did the ice even taste good?????????"

"Well! I gotta say it's nice meetin' someone like me! For the longest time, I thought I was the only one 'round here who was just some human version of somethin' you have for lunch, but good to see there's someone else......I don't know why you keep muttering about bein' perfect, but maybe that's just a drink thing?"

"Jimbo tells me that apparently you're dating death incarnate, so I guess I can give you respect for that...wait....you were also champion at some point? Okay, sure buddy. I feel like I'd remember someone sharing that title with me."

"Listen, I've got some serious beef with your two brothers, but y'know what? You don't seem to be too bad. For now...don't get on my bad side....."

"Honestly, good on you for trying to beat up kids less often. I knew someone who was always annoyed by this one little guy and bullied him a bunch. But at least it isn't at the point you're trying to ship anyone to Abu Dhabi"

"All this matchmaking you're trying to do here is nothing like any of the dating sims I've played."

"I did it better."

"Ha ha! I like this guy! He's definitely got my kind of humor!"

"Judging by what I know about your feelings towards gay people, something tells me you'd probably feel the same for my boyfriend...so feeling the catharsis of this beatdown in linear time was INCREDIBLY cathartic"

"Yes, I cannot deny your hospitality, miss Sprout...but between the methods of your farming violating hundreds of codes and the ever-present crime of piracy, I cannot imagine it would be difficult beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are far from innocent"

"Fan Club? Why would I wanna be part of someone's fan club when I'm already part of my own fan club? And I'm the biggest fan there! ....with a close second place."

"Ginger Ale is better! ....w....wait why are you- what's- hey! HEY!!!! HELP!!!!"

"I know you used to say that the doctor was 'magical'....alongside a few hundred other adjectives...but hopefully now you have a good idea of what that word REALLY means!"

"Listen, I know how you're feelin'! Needless to say we all feel kinda dead after a long week! Let me hit you up with a marg! (Um....I should probably make it a virgin....just in case)"

"Wow!!! So you were made to be the ultimate fighter too!!!!!!!! Ooh!!!! And you've got all kinds of colors!!!! Just like my gummies!!!!"

"Listen, take it from me, kid! Your heart seems to be in the right place, but you gotta make sure people send out valentines when they're ready to do it!"

"I don't think I've seen you around these- A CHAMPION? How did the tier get named after ME?"

"panting Okay! Wasn't expecting that much of a fight from you! Now do me a favor and STAY AWAY FROM MY MOM! The last thing I need is another sibling to try and one-up me"

"They don't talk much about you. But everything I have heard of you is glowing praise. Because of your loyalty. And for being a companion to someone who truly needs it.....you might not be popular, but that doesn't matter to you. Your one love is making him happy.......I think that's beautiful."

"OUR BATTLE WAS QUITE LEGENDARY!!!! SIMILAR TO OUR PREVIOUS ALTERCATION IN WHICH I DEFENDED MY ELEGANT FORTRESS WHILST YOU ACCOSTED WITH THE BATTLE CRY OF 'SIR THE HDTV BOXES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THROWN AWAY CAN YOU BE CHILL ABOUT THIS PLEASE I DO NOT WANT TO BE FIRED OVER SOMETHING LIKE THIS!'!!!!!!!!!!"

"Hey, listen. Something I've been meaning to tell ya. Thanks for everything ya did. You probably knew what you were losin'. And when Home told me you were gonna be a part of this plan...well...I knew it couldn't go wrong."

"Hey, listen. Something I've been meaning to tell ya. This couldn't have happened without you. Her armies were massive. Insurmountable. You had to use everything you had to clear me a path and encounter her while she was at her weakest. But in the end, you got everything you wanted. In the end, you got your tournament back from her."

"So wait is it like a drive-by, but with planes? .......wait, but that's not how you spe-......OHHHHHH GOT IT"

"I appreciate the help, but you know how the saying goes. One is the loneliest number."

"So, it seems like you've been very very stressed lately, and it's good to acknowledge those feelings! But....maybe cut back on the caffeine for a while?"

"Listen, normally I'd call ya stupid for thinking you could take me on, but I know you're not stupid! Now if you did something REALLY stupid, like, I dunno, random example, brought my team's biggest threat back from the dead for shits and giggles, THEN I'd call you stupid! But you'd never do that. RIIIIIIIIGHT?"

"Mark.....you killed a child.....AMAZING. MISSION COMPLETE. THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHY YOU'RE THE BE-"

takes a long drag of pixie stick "War is H-E-double hockey stick"

"Geez, you can tell that Doc never got the chance to fight me. How else could she think she could make the coldest motherfucker in the universe?"

"And THATS for bringing....whatever the hell killed me here!!!! Whew! Sorry bout that! Had some pent-up rage there."

"It's great to fight against some of gaming's greatest characters in this, but wow it's something else to meet my Garfield Kart main!"

"Hey bud. Just wanted to say, sorry 'bout the medical degree. Glad you got it back."

"Oh no no no no! Not this time! Last time you came around you stole every ketchup pack in the restaurant. If you want, I can make you a to-go order, though."

"You fight just like how you speak to the crowd....only with a lot less me having to cut off the mic due to promoting illegal activities....nothing personal, we just don't wanna get cancelled"

"You know what, I'm not going to lie. I suppose mortality has given me fascination for what I once considered banal. Perhaps there is something to the composition of these shots....."

"I must say, thanks to you, my experience from the Blue Sub-Tourney was......very loud.....very......very loud. Pleasure to fight you."

"Hey!!! Hey scary guy who keeps being boring!!! Look!!!! I drew a picture of us!!!!! I was sure to give you extra angry eyes and I made your words in the speech cloud a bunch of scribbles because you said a lot of stuff about "petty theft" and "vinyl record" and "Toto" which I didn't really pay attention to!"

"NO NEED TO FEEL SO GLUM, MY FRIEND! YOU SEE, BEFORE I MET MY LOVELY HUSBAND, THERE WAS ONE TRUE LOVE OF MY LIFE! THEY ARE QUITE THE LOYAL LOVER, BUT ONE THAT SHAN'T BE SCORNED! THAT LOVER BY THE NAME OF MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-"

"Oh hey! I change colors when I lose control, too! Although mine is more god magic while you....well....you're just mad, aren't ya?"

"Well that's one over my sister's track record"

"Okay, so......listen, if you feel comfortable, then you deserve to own it! I'm only expressing my concerns that trying to be so many different things at once might be a little overwhelming...."

"I get that you got your life kinda throw outta whack by gods. Some of them saved ya. Some messed up the world you call your own. But I think it's better to see gods, not so much as something directing your life, but as targets."

"dabs" [ryan couldn't think of a proper quote]

"Wh- What do you mean you're taking away my Xbox???? You're not even my dad?????? Thats not how this works??????"

"Hey, I know this is a weird question, but like....can you, like, hold these margaritas? Just cuz I gotta be right back, and you seem to be good at holding these things."

"Whoa! You've got some crazy heart stickers on your- oh! Thats part of the suit? ......do you want a heart sticker?"

"Hope I didn't hit ya too hard there! I owe you one that you didn't nag the hell outta Larry"

"!givebloraacoffee"

"Oooooooo!!!!! That was really fun!!!! You go all shifty all the time!!! I dunno why the doc thought I'd be the ultimate when you're here!!! Lets go again!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I don't know why people seem to freak out about the way you talk. Where I come from, everyone's in caps lock"

"I said that we're passing on our legacy, but you know what? It's good to flex every so often, too, huh?"

"Hey, uh, s-sorry about that! It was, uh, it was a good fight! You did good! Um.....yeah! Sorry! Yeah! Uh....Sorry! Bye!"

"....um....excuse me? Can I please have some crayons for the menu? see Al I told you I'd say the P Word"

"I'm sorry, but no one in the server is interested in any Raybans"

"Wow, you know, if I'm just some normal guy who's always bullied by my cat and you're considered The Ultimate.......maybe you all should reconsider what's good and what's bad"

"Come on back with your sister so that she has an idea of what a real champion looks like"

"Hey!! Hey! Hey! Hey! Why did you ground Jr! I wanted to play Pokemon with him!!!!"

"Hey, so you're internet savvy, right? Because apparently one of Jimbo's friends called me something and I don't know what it means. I'm kinda worried because right after it happened Jimbo got really mad? Anyway, what's a di-"

"Listen, take it from personal experience. I don't know EXACTLY what happened to ya, but I can say this much. Feeding your catboy nothing but lasagna? NOT the best choice"

"I-I mean, I guess that you and I have stuff in common, right? We both like jokes.....we both have made pacts with dimensional gods...i-it's all good right?"

"What're a bunch of kids doin in this tournament? I get you've got your brother around, but this is ridiculous!"

"Hey, you're pretty funny! Tell you what...Ninth Heaven has an Open Mic Night this Thursday. I think you'd do great"

"I'm glad that you care and all that stuff, but listen. I'm fine, okay! I'm telling you, I'm FINE! Stop WORRYING about me!!!!"

"Yeah, I guess this is pretty good....but, uh.....Taco Bell's got a Baja Blast flavor........do you know if, uhhhhhhhhhhhh...."

"Whoo! That was a close one! Hey, uh, quick question....I know that my son's goin' through the ol' teenage rebellion phase. But like...he's doing alright...right?"

"MLG? Like Major League Gaming? That's real funny kid! You know...assuming that anyone who feels like they need to be in a league to feel important would get a game off me"

"Hm? Alright, I guess since you got all A's on your report card, I can get you one for the movie.....hey bear! Can I get a large cherry flavor?"

"I GROUNDED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING HIS MUSIC TOO DAMN LOUD

"You think you're hot stuff, huh? Well, check out THIS dance move from back in the day. I call it....the Bracket Reset"